Notes, Books, and Lessons
The Ideas I Carried With Me This Year
Notes
On Love
“What is love?” — Emma, age 6:
On Intimacy & Connection
When someone asks, “How are you doing?” and you respond with, “Oh, I’m good!” but the truth is that you are not good at that moment, you will inevitably feel lonely. This discomfort arises from a lack of genuine connection and intimacy. There are many ways people react to feeling lonely, but there are two primary responses I observe among the men I work with: A) Isolate/Withdraw and B) Achieve/Perform.
I have also come to believe that my loneliness is a sacred experience, not something I need to evade or ignore. Instead, it can be an invitation to move closer to connection and intimacy within the presence of safe others—an experience that can be difficult to articulate. I wish for that same deep connection for you and for the men in your life.
Think about who in your life could benefit from a deeper conversation, a shared moment of vulnerability, or even just a simple check-in. There is profound strength in opening up, both for you and for those in your circle, as it fosters a sense of belonging that we all crave.
On Self-Discovery & Identity
“The things you think about determine the quality of your mind,” said Marcus Aurelius. “Your soul takes on the color of your thoughts.”
How to Live a Quite Life, in 2025
One of the hardest things to admit is that we are sometimes addicted to suffering that feels familiar. That we prefer the ache we know to the freedom we don’t.
Why We Stay in Rooms We Should Leave
If you don’t spend enough time getting to know yourself, you’ll end up absorbing everyone else’s definition of you.
So, I’m asking you, right here and now: When was the last time you spent time getting to know yourself? When was the last time you asked yourself, “What do I really want? What makes me happy? What do I believe in?”
If you don’t have the answers yet, that’s okay. But start asking. Start paying attention to the things that light you up and the things that drain you. Start saying no to what doesn’t feel right, even if it disappoints others. Start saying yes to the parts of yourself you’ve ignored for too long.
On Becoming
A man achieves happiness in life by delivering on his responsibilities. You have no idea how important this one thing will be to your mental health, your sense of self-worth, your relationships, and your ability to find meaning and purpose in your life.
I’m talking about your responsibilities to your family, your colleagues, your teammates, your friends, your communities and groups, your country—and even to total strangers. (Yes, you have responsibilities to them, too.)
But above all I’m talking about your responsibility to yourself. And when I say you owe something to yourself, I mean your higher image of who you should be.
How James Bond Can Fix the Crisis in Masculinity
Courage without kindness is arrogance. But kindness without courage is appeasement… and appeasement, dressed up as virtue, is the fastest way to become unrecognizable to yourself.
…
Better, far better, to be misunderstood for who you are than loved for who you are not.
Self-imposed rules aren’t constraints, they’re good decisions made in batches—they’re behavioral boundary markers you get to position yourself, through your own experience and wisdom. A good personal standard clarifies and simplifies, eliminating what would be countless painful decision points. You’re free from having to stop and negotiate with yourself for the hundredth time on the same issues. Should I have a third drink? Should I quit early and work Saturday instead? Should I lie and say I’m sick?
Wise People Have Rules For Themselves
We often chase freedom as a goal—the ability to do nothing, answer to no one, and move through life unencumbered. But more freedom doesn’t necessarily bring more fulfillment or happiness. Intentionally chosen responsibilities and constraints, on the other hand, promise adventure, direction, purpose, and perhaps happiness itself.
On Art & Meaning
Art is more powerful than pundits or politicians, or even the most brutal dictator. It survives the longest. It has an authority that comes from a higher source.
On Craft
I don’t want to discourage people from doing stuff fast, and putting it into the world, even if it kinda sucks. What bums me out is people then saying that the bad stuff is good. Are they lying? Can they not tell? Either way it’s depressing. Acting as if crappy stuff is great is soul-rotting on a personal level, and a sure-fire recipe for ongoing mediocrity on a community level.
Stop Pretending Toronto is More than It Is
Calling something a hobby is an excuse for it to be mediocre.
It’s Absolutely Pointless to Start Anything Unless You’ll Do It Daily
Sir, please allow people have hobbies lol. But like most things, there’s nuance.
If something is to become more than a hobby, it has to graduate from that label to invite growth. And with growth comes growing pains. It’s no longer “oh that’s cute.“ Your work will now be compared to that of professionals, which can’t always be fun, but can be good in the long run—as it forces you to improve your craft.
That’s why the last two quotes stood out to me.
You can’t fix what you can’t measure.
How to waste your career, one comfortable year at a time
On Relationships
If you’re thinking ahead, you can do the work to figure out who you are, what you like, what you’re prepared to give, what you’re hoping to get, and how a great relationship for you would actually function. You can bring that information with you as you meet new people and date them. You can choose whether to deepen a relationship, back it off, or end it, based on what you learn while you date.
How Relationships Actually Work
If I like somebody, they will have very little choice about the matter.
Want more friends? A better social life? Be like my 85-year-old buddy Gerry
If you think this a threat, it is! If you believe I consider you a friend, you have no choice in the matter good sir/ma, your fate has been sealed. But for real, I like this because its easy to drop people off at the slightest hint of rejection or annoyance. Sometimes, willful ignorance is okay too, aka grace.
On Introspection
Some Books I Enjoyed
This year I read more genres, and I was better for it—exploring the world through several authors. If I had to pick my author of the year, It’ll have to be Pierce Brown, for making me start and stay interested in a Seven book series. A seven, book, series people. It was an excellent introduction into Scifi and Fantasy. Without further delay, here are some of the books I enjoyed this year
Fiction
Red Rising by Pierce Brown - An excellent introduction into Scifi and Fantasy. A story about freedom, purpose and perseverance.
Home Going by Yaa Gyasi - An incredibly well researched and written book. It was interesting to follow two branches of the same family over a few centuries, and observing how both were affected by slavery.
Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir - A lovely heartfelt book on the exploration of space and the question: is anyone out there?
Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabriella Zevin - An exploration of love in all its different forms, and how it evolves over time.
Non Fiction
The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kimshi, Fumitake Koga - An illuminating conversation between a Philosopher and a young student. And by the end, offers some insight into what it means to live a purpose filled and happy life.
The Psychology of Money by Morgan Housel - Provides useful insights on how we view money, some historical context, and some healthy financial habits.
Lessons Learned
I can’t quite put in neat boxes what I’ve learned this year. Some things carried over from last year, like being intentional, being curious etc. But here’s a phrase I like, that kind of sums things up:
As long as you’re dancing you’ll get somewhere
—The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kimshi, Fumitake Koga
Thanks for stopping by, wishing you happy holidays and a awesome new year!
Thanks for sharing! I hope you had a lovely Christmas and wish you a happy new year!